I expect this to be a long, perhaps rambling post. First, let me relate a dream I had recently. In this dream, I was evidently at an event with my group in a medieval fantasy combat game I participate in. At this event, the previous year we had camped at a different, though adjacent, spot. We had setup our camp and the leader of the group, myself, and several others decided to go back to the old spot and look it over. The leader and I were also discussing important matters to the group, though the exact details of which I do not recall, but it seemed as if most of the people accompanying us were simply hanging out. This was a minor annoyance to me, as it seemed to be impeding the business talk, but as it regularly happens regardless, I didn't say anything. The old site, for whatever reason, required descending a wooden stairway, maybe twenty feet down, at least from the direction we approached from. I noted that we had left some graffiti on the stairs the previous year (as many others had as well). At the bottom of the stair was a great deal of ankle deep muck, which we recalled from the previous year (and no doubt one of the primary reasons we moved), and we continued the discussion. However, as one of the others with us came down the stair way, part of the railing broke off. Next to the stairs, a multi-trunked tree was growing and leaning against it. Another member of the group broke one (or perhaps several) of the tree trunks, and in doing so, caused the entire stair case to begin collapsing and falling to pieces. I remarked to the leader that this would not have happened if it had only been those of us who were meant to come. Shortly after, we heard a horn that I knew meant something was happening at our camp. Taking the initiative, I shouted to everyone that if they were not engaged in the business talk they ought to return to camp. The leader, however, quietly said we were done at the old site anyway, and I belayed that and went with him out the other direction of the site, which did not require a stairway. As we approached we saw a very strange thing going on in front of our camp. Evidently, there was some sort of show or event or something, with a large number of people shooting fireballs out of umbrella like devices, immediately in front of and going in and out of our camp. This did not sit well with me at all, and I berated those responsible, pointing out that if there were not a relatively wide, empty area next to our gate, they could very well be setting fire to our camp. I don't recall any details after that, the dream may have changed or ended.
Now, I related the contents of that dream, because I would like to use it as an example. To begin with, the wooden stairway is a very good illustration of how NOT to treat a site. While in the dream I did not feel much concern about either the graffiti or the collapsing, looking back on those things, I really feel as if the graffiti, unless actively encouraged by the owners of the place, was incredibly inappropriate. In the dream, when the stair collapsed, I pointed out that it was because our people had come with us, even though they weren't involved in the discussion. However, I did not seem to feel as if it was horribly out of line. Again, in retrospect, this seems like incredibly poor behavior. While the dream logic to an extent suggested the event organizers would be understanding of the incident, I feel as if I should have taken proactive steps to prevent such things from happening in the first place. From the beginning, I should have asked the hangers-on to hang on elsewhere and not follow us. When I saw the person making missteps, I should have intervened. Likewise, I should have intervened with the person breaking the tree (though I seem to recall, in the dream logic, there was some justification for their actions, though I can't for the life of me figure out what it might have been).
This is especially true now that, as of the end of June, I was given a chain of responsibility to wear 'round my neck. While I've had responsibility in the group before, I've borne no outward symbol.
Even outside of that group, however, I've been wearing the chain. I've worn it every day since I've completed it. Outside of the game, it has no meaning. A person who sees it will not know of its significance. But for me, it is a physical reminder that I need to take more responsibility for things. For instance, I woke up this morning, not feeling particularly well. Physically nor mentally. But I woke up. I put on some clothes, and I went out to the kitchen. I noticed my partner sitting on the couch, working, rather than going to the university to do so. This situation did not bother me, though it was unexpected. I made a casual remark on it, and she told me she was working. I said okay. I then continued to the kitchen and began doing dishes immediately. I had said that I would do so today, and as they had been piling up for some time, there were quite a few and it would take me a few loads, as we have little space for them to dry and a single well sink. After I completed the first load and set them to dry, I sat down on the couch with my laptop. As I was doing my usual things, I tried to engage my partner in light conversation, as she was grading assignments, and she can sometimes get frustrated with such things. However, she indicated that she did not really want to talk, and that I should go elsewhere. Well, I did not respond well to this at all. I considered it rude and hurtful. I went back to start the second load of dishes, and after I set them to dry, I went and laid back down in bed. A little while later, I got up to go do the next load, and she asked me if i was upset with her. I answered honestly, and said yes, a little. That I felt like if I hadn't promised to do the dishes I'd have just gone back to bed, because I didn't feel it was worth getting up this morning. This quite upset her. Understandably so. Later that I evening I realized how horribly depressed I currently am, and why I reacted to her reasonable requests very poorly. However, that is not a justification for my behavior. My words and actions were not in keeping with the morals and responsibilities I hold myself to. Rather, that I ought to hold myself to.
I have much work to do, in that regard.
No comments:
Post a Comment